I woke up this morning and went for a walk at 5:20 am. I have been doing this off and on. These days it has been more on than off, thank goodness. During these walks I have adopted something that Anthony Robbins calls the "Hour of Power." I give thanks for the good things in my life and make a point to look for things during the walk that I can be grateful for. I envision the way that I want my life to be and shout out affirmations to reaffirm those visions. It sounds corny, but it works.
This morning I walked for 1:20. During the end of my walk I could feel that change was happening in my body. My body began to feel thin, fit, and strong (one of the affirmations that I tell myself). I noticed that that feeling is different than anything that I had felt in a long time. I could sense that a dramatic change was getting ready to take place. And this time it was going to be permanent.
I then thought back to the last time I had lost a lot of weight and why it didn't last. It had been in early 1999 and I had gotten a job working on the shipping dock of the Wal-mart distribution center in Raymond, NH. I lost 60 pounds in three months and I looked good. This morning, while I was finishing my walk I thought about that moment, why I didn't maintain the weight loss after I stopped working for Wal-mart, and why I felt different now.
I realized one significant difference between now and then. Back then, my weight loss was controlled and dictated by outside sources aka a job that kicked my butt. Even thought I had lost a lot of weight and changed physically, I had not changed mentally. I still saw myself as being fat. I still had a fat mentality. I had stopped eating and had even been asked by a dental assistant if I had been anorexic.
This time was a period of a lot of stress for me. I had just moved from NY to Maine to NH. I had never been in a physical job before and I was living without any reliable form of transportation. I was also making choices and decisions based upon what I thought other people thought of me. I was trying really hard to serve a mission although my patriarchal blessing specifically mentions serving a mission later on in life. And I did not see myself as having the power to make lasting change in my life. All of this came to a culminated into a nervous brake down and I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 1 week.
I took me a while to recover from this. I still saw myself as being fat, I subconsciously did whatever I could do to force my body to match the mental image that I had of it in my mind. I didn't exercise and I ate all of the peanut butter cups and candy bars that I could.
So, what's different now? Instead of focusing on external forces to help me loose weight (I mean achieve my ideal weight of 198 lbs) I am using internal forces. I am developing a mental picture of how I want to look and then taking steps to make my body comply with that image. I actually am beginning to see myself as having power to effect positive change in my life. I am making conscious change instead of unconscious change. And I am making changes in my life based upon what is good for me and not what other people want me to do. Nobody buy myself could have helped me to come to this point in my life. No amount of well-intentioned friends, family, and/or doctors could have led me to make this decision. I had to make it myself and I had to be conscious about it.
Living in Florida has been both difficult and rewarding. Although it has been a real struggle financially (I am literally on the verge of either loosing my car or being evicted from my apartment, and yes, I am accepting donations.), spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and socially it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I have grown more since moving down here than I have in the past 10 years.
I would like to thank all of you who have contributed to my success though your faith and prayers. I could not have done it without you. More updates to follow.
