Of Dragon Flies and New Perspecitves

I should have finished this post on Friday evening, June 15, 2012, when the experience happened.  I have had promptings to finish it several times since then, but I, for some reason, have been either afraid to, or I have been avoiding it.  I'm at a point now when I can't avoid it.  I'm at a point now when I have to finish writing it for me, for my own sake, and for nobody else's.  Please excuse me because I'm going to be writing stream of consciousness.

Like I said, the event happened on the evening of June 15, 2012.  I went to a walking meditation class which was being taught by Anna Zumwalt.  We met at the new Natural History Museum of Utah on the University of Utah Campus.  It's a beautiful building overlooking the Salt Lake Valley.  As I had never been there before, this was a new experience for me.

We started out the class with a little introduction and instructions, then we were off.  I felt, instantly, that I needed to do a slow walking meditation and really take in the scenery instead of a fast walking meditation.  I grew concerned, however, because the rest of the group was waking at a pace that was too fast for my liking.  While they "sped" up the hill above the museum, I decided to stay on the trails just in front of the museum.  I was concerned, however, that someone would think that there was something wrong with me and come down to make sure that I was OK.  I was especially concerned that Anna would come down to make sure that I was OK.  I correlated that to what everybody did when I decided that it was in my best interests to step away from the Church and explore what it's like to "be gay."  I strayed away from the "accepted" social norm.  I risked committing "spiritual suicide."  All of my very loving and well-meaning friends made a point to make sure that I knew that the only way to be really happy was to live the standards of the gospel and endure to the end.  They wanted to make sure that I knew exactly what it meant for me to turn away from the Church and "be gay."  What they didn't understand was that this was a decision that I didn't take lightly.  What they didn't understand was that I had spent literally months agonizing over that very idea, beating myself over the head with it.  What they didn't understand was that I could talk my way around the doctrine surrounding both sides of the story so much that it made my head spin.  What they didn't understand was that, even though the gospel was supposed to have been the only way to true happiness, happiness wasn't one of my predominate emotions.  I only really, truly, felt happiness when I finally decided to allow myself to fall in love for the first time ever and have that love returned instead of running from it like any good bishop, stake president, or member of the Church would.  What they didn't understand was that, up until that point, I thought that the only way that I was ever going to be really happy was after I passed through the vail.  I did what I felt that I needed to do, just like, on this night, on June 15, 2012, stepping away from the crowd was exactly what I needed to do, and I'm glad that I did.

The first thing that I did was to look out over the valley.  Now, I have never been enamored with the Salt Lake Valley.  As a matter of fact, I think that it's quite ugly.  I once heard the combined Salt Lake and Utah Valleys explained in this way.  As you drive south down I-15 you see a letter "U" on the mountain over the University of Utah.  You see a "G" on the mountain over Pleasant Grove, and you see a "Y" on the mountain over BYU.  Someone once told me that there should be a "L" on the mountain over Lindon so as you travel south from Salt Lake to Prove it will spell "U-G-L-Y."  Now, before you get too angry at me, you will have to understand that I grew up in the East.  I grew up in Maine where there are many more trees than people.  Heck, there are many more trees and mosquitoes than people.  There are places in the North Maine Woods where you will drive for hours on dirt roads in the middle of nowhere and the only traffic that you will see is the occasional logging truck.  And, my favorite color is green.  The predominant color of the Salt Lake Valley is gray or brown.  I hate brown.  Before I moved to Salt Lake City, or even to BYUI, for that matter, I moved to Florida because it was so green.  I can't stand New England winters because they are brown and gray six months out of the year.  I wasn't equipped for the dry, arid climate in Salt Lake.  I was also not equipped for the smog.  And boy does Salt Lake have smog.  It's so bad at times in the winter that you can't see a half a mile in front of you.  They call it an "inversion."  And the only way to get rid of it is with a snow storm or a wind storm.  The eastern mountains are so large that they just trap in all of the pollutants and they only leave when they are snowed out of the sky.  Now, they don't ever take pictures of the smog because they want everybody to think that Salt Lake is pretty and beautiful all year round, but, believe me, it's not.  I like sun.  If I go too long without seeing it, I get depressed.

So, enough complaining about Salt Lake, let's get back to the story.  When I looked out over the valley I saw it from a different perspective.  I had never seen it from this perspective and from this perspective it actually looked pretty.  It actually looked beautiful.  I saw that as a reflection of myself.  I have spent my whole life thinking that I was ugly.  I have spent my whole life hating the fact that I am attracted to guys, and that I'm fat.  I have spent my whole life wanting to be someone other than who I really am.  I have spent my whole life totally fixed on how different I feel from "normal" people.  I do that even to this day.  I hate the fact that I'm gay.  I hate the fact that I can't change it.  I still look at couples and say to myself, "what does he see in her?"  I can't believe that men are naturally attracted to women, because I'm not.  I have been attracted to, or perhaps noticed some women, but 9.9 times out of 10, when a couple walks by, I notice the guy first.  Most of the time I don't even notice the woman.

What did this experience at the museum teach me?  Well, it should have taught me to see myself from a new perspective.  It should have taught me that I'm a beautiful person, regardless of what anybody thinks, says, or does, regardless of what I think, say, or do.  It should have taught me to focus more on the big picture.  Sure, the Salt Lake smells like death and has a bunch of flies around it when you get up close to it, but from a distance it really looks beautiful!  hahaha!  Sure, I may weigh more than I should and be attracted to men, but I'm a beautiful person.  I'm kind, loving, devoted, fiercely loyal, determined, friendly, dependable, trustworthy, forgiving, easy to talk to, quick to forgive, courteous, determined (when the time is right), caring, etc., etc.  I have even had people tell me that I'm good looking.  One of them said, "Sure, [I'm] a little overweight, but [I've] got a lot to work with."  That person is one of my favorite people.  I'm going to make sure that he reads this post.  Sure, are there ugly parts of me?  Am I perfect?  Are there things, like my weight and NOT my sexual orientation, that I would benefit from changing?  Sure.  But the lesson that I need to learn from the walking meditation that I did on June 25 is that I'm beautiful just the way that I am.  Sure, life may not turn out exactly like I had planned.  Sure, by this time in my life I was supposed to have been married, had a steady job, kids, a house, and a white picket fence.  I would have never thought that I would be almost penniless and living with my mother, who I love and for whom I am extremely grateful.  Although my life is not where I might want it to be, it is still beautiful.  I still have great potential to touch other's lives for good, to show happiness to others, and to help others to feel happy.  I think that's my mission, to show happiness to others and to help other people to be happy.  That thought feels good.  I think that I'll go with it.

Now, back to the narrative...after seeing the valley in a new light, I happened to look up in the sky.  It was approaching dusk, so most of the oppressive heat of the day had gone away.  When I looked up I was amazed at what I saw, dragonflies.  Lots of dragonflies.  I was standing over a grassy hill and the dragonflies were flying over the hill.  I assume that they were feasting on all of the bugs that were just waking up for the evening.  I looked at them and I thought, "Wow!  They look happy.  They don't look worried about anything.  They don't look worried about what's going to happen to them after they die.  They're just busy being dragonflies."  You see, I have spent most of my adult life worried about my eternal salvation.  I have spent most of my life worried if I was going to be able to make it to the Celestial Kingdom or not.  I have spent most of my life trying to do exactly what I thought was expected of me in order to make it to the Celestial Kingdom, going to 3 hours of church a week, paying my tithing, reading my scriptures, doing my home teaching, attending the temple, serving in callings, and even trying to date women or at least trying to not fall in love with men.  I avoided gay men like the plague.  I never in my life, until I went to BYUI, had met a "gay Mormon."  I thought that I was the only one who struggled with this horrible affliction.  I avoided "acting out" with other men because I didn't want to put my eternal salvation at stake.  What you don't realize was that I was so concerned about my eternal salvation that I was tempted to take steps to make eternity come quicker.  I had had suicidal thoughts for years.  It was the act of "acting out" with a man, the very same man who told me that I had "a lot to work with" that made me decide to stick around.  I can't say that I'm out of the woods now, but I think that's why I'm finally sitting down and writing this post.  I don't want to alarm anybody.  I'm not going anywhere.  But those thoughts are never far away.  That's why this post is so important to me.  I need to learn to see beauty in myself and learn how to live in the moment, to be happy in the now, and not be so worried about what might be or might have been.  To not be so worried about what's going to happen to me after I die that I forget to take pleasure in what's happening in the here and the now.  To be more like a dragonfly, and to be content to be a dragonfly and not try to be anything else.

Next I turned and looked up the hill.  I saw that there were people walking on the side of the hill, but it looked like they were lost.  It just looked like they were walking around and didn't know where they were going.  It took me a while before I realized that they were probably walking on paths, but they weren't lost at all.  It dawned on me that I was at a perspective that I couldn't see the path because I was too low.  If I had been at their level or above them, then I would have been able to see the path.  Then I thought of 1 Nephi 8: 28 in The Book of Mormon which reads, "And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost," and thought to myself, "well, they're (the people on a hill) still on a path.  They know what path they're on, and so does God.  Just because I don't know what path that they're on doesn't mean that God doesn't as well.  No one is truly lost to God because he knows exactly where his children are.  We may not see where they are because of our perspective, but he knows exactly what path they're on.  And even though those paths may seem odd to us, they may be exactly where he wants them to be.  They may not be odd to him or to them at all, so why worry?"

So, there it is. I finally did it.  I did what I have been avoiding for such a long time.  I actually feel better because this weekend has been kinda tough.  I feel lighter now.  I understand that there may be some of you who may disagree with my conclusions.  Please remember, they are mine.  I feel that they are inspiration to me.  I understand that some of my conclusions may not be "doctrinally sound," you're welcome to your opinions.  Again, this is my experience, not yours.  And while I may still suffer from bouts of depression, I have a hope that things will get better.  But I don't know if you can understand where I'm coming from.  I never really took the time to figure out what I believed.  I never really took the time to figure out what I liked or what I wanted to do in life.  I never really took the time to figure out who I was and what made me tick.  I just took it for granted that I was a child of God.  I just took for granted that I was to do whatever it took to have a family and live the kind of life that I thought that God wanted me to live.  That kind of family is probably not going to happen so I'm left with the question of, "now what?"  For the longest time I thought that my purpose was to have a family consisting of a wife and kids.  That's why I'm glad that I wrote this because it's helping me to answer the question of "now what."  It's helping me to come up with a compelling reason to keep going.  And that reason can't just be about me.  It has to involve helping others experience happiness and joy.  But I can't help others experience it if I can't experience it myself.  So, for the first time in my life I'm trying to project myself into the future.  I'm in the process of applying for The New Teacher Project Teaching Fellows Program to help teach disadvantaged youth. I'm also seriously considering teaching English abroad in either Brazil, China, Korea, or Thailand. I'm beginning to learn how to meditate and focus on the here and now, and as soon as I have money I'm going to get myself tested for depression and ADD.I understand that there may be some of you who may find this post alarming and distressful. I'm sorry for that, but I have to be honest about how I feel. You may also know what you can do to help. The same thing that you can do to help anybody who may need your love, let them know that you're there and that you care. I have so many wonderful, special people in my life. I'm especially thankful to my mother and step-father Don for letting me move in and ruin their golden age bliss. (har har) I know that having me move in with them can't be easy. Just when you think that the kids are gone they keep coming back. HAHAHA! And we may not always speak the same language, but I know that you love me. And to all those people who may have reached out to me in the past. I'm sorry that I haven't been as available as I should have. I've had a lot going on. I will try to do better.

I hesitate to post this because of the potential reaction I may get, but here goes...

Gay Marriage

I should be looking for a job, but this is something that I have had on my mind for a long time.  With the election only two weeks away, Maryland, along with Maine, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Washington are voting on some kind of same sex marriage ballot question.  I feel that I am in a unique situation because I can easily see where both sides are coming from, at least as far as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is concerned.  I found myself on the side of opposing same sex marriage during the Proposition 8 battle that took place in California a few years ago.  Now, if I had been able to legally register to vote in time, I would vote for Maryland to allow gay marriage to happen.  Why the switch?  Well, I guess I will try to explain that now.

I guess that I first have to start by explaining why, in my opinion, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage.  Some people might say that they're afraid of being forced to perform gay marriages in their temples.  While that may be a factor, I do not believe that it's the primary reason.  I believe that the Church's primary reason rests upon its belief in the eternal nature of families.  The Church proclaims that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”  They also proclaim that “children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother…”  (http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng)

Now, “Why,” you may ask, “do they believe such a thing?”  That would be an excellent question.  It all stems on the Church’s belief of who God is, what our relationship to God is, and what or purpose in life is.  The Church believes that God is literally our Father.  He is commonly referred to by members of the Church as “Father in Heaven.”  This is a commonly known belief.  What may not be common is the belief that we also have a “Mother in Heaven,” and that God is married, and that we are literally his offspring.  The Church teaches that  “Man, as a spirit, was begotten and born of heavenly parents, and reared to maturity in the eternal mansions of the Father, prior to coming upon the earth in a temporal [physical] body” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 335).

The Church also teaches that not only were we organized as a family before we came to this earth, that we will also have the opportunity to be organized as families after we leave this earth.  As a matter of fact, that is the definition of eternal life, to have the kind of life that God has, to have our family continue into the eternities.  When you hear of a member of the Church talk about “eternal progression,” he’s not talking about continually learning into the eternities, he’s talking about having seed that is as innumerable as the sands of the sea.  (For more information please feel free to browse both www.lds.org or www.mormon.org.

The Church also believes that the only way that we can be truly happy in the eternities is to have eternal life, to live with Heavenly Father, to be organized into our families in the eternities and that Satan would do anything to disrupt that.  The Church believes that the only marriage that can be recognized by God in the eternities is a marriage between a man and a wife, legally and lawfully wedded in the temple by one having the proper authority.  They further teach that no other type of marriage will be accepted by God in the eternities.  http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng  They also believe that this life, while important, is only a small part of our life and it is actually a preparatory stage for what is to come after this life.  The Church teaches that any arrangement other than the traditional “nuclear family” will ultimately result in Heavenly Father’s children being separated from him for time and for all eternity and will ultimately result in their eternal unhappiness because they do not get to partake of the full blessings of the gospel.  So, when you hear that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage, in their eyes, they are doing it out of love because recognizing gay marriage means that they would have to recognize a relationship that will ultimately result in, what they believe, to be the eternal unhappiness of those who engage in it.  Not to mention that the Church has a strict law of chastity, which prohibits any kind of sexual relationship outside of the bounds of marriage between a man and a woman.  That was also my opinion before I came out of the closet.  I suppose that you can say that my opinion may have changed a bit.  Why?  Because I can see the other side of the story and I have also experienced it for myself.

For the longest time I fought against being gay.  I thought that my attraction to men was something that was evil, something that I needed to change.  I would often fall in love with straight friends and feel horrible about it, going to bishops to repent and get help to change.  It was and probably still is, quite literally, something that I hated about myself.  It is most definitely one of the major causes of my weight gain.  I believe that I even tried to run from it, but wherever I went, it would catch up with me.  I even moved to Utah in a hope to meet with a therapist who would help me get rid of my attractions once and for all.  When people ask me why I went to Utah in the first place, my gut reaction is to tell them that I went there to get away from being gay.  Little did I know that Utah was the place where I would decide, or at least begin to decide, that it’s OK to be gay. 

“How,” you might ask, “did that happen?”  I fell in love.  For the first time in my life I fell in love, and the feelings were reciprocated.  It was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.  I fell in love with one of the kindest, most generous, most caring individuals that I think that I will ever have the privilege of meeting.  It was through his love of me, and the way that he saw me, that I began to see the good in myself.  His love for me helped me to begin to transition from hating myself to loving myself.  I would often say to myself, “if he feels this way about me, then I can’t be such a bad guy.”  It was through this and other relationships, that I was able to become a happier, more loving, more caring, and more genuine person.  You might say that because of this relationship that my quality of life went up!  Not only has this happened to me, but it has happened to other people that I know.

You see, companionship is a human need.  Babies who are left without human touch and companionship die.  People who are left in solitary confinement in prison will often come out more disturbed and violent than they were before they went in.  People who feel that it is wrong to be gay and try to force themselves to change generally have lower qualities of life, are more miserable, and more prone to committing suicide than those who come to terms with their attractions and accept them. 

Bill Bradshaw (et all) http://ldshomosexuality.org/ recently completed a study of almost 1,600 participants who identify as having some kind of attraction to members of their same gender and are either presently or formerly associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  They asked them questions on several different topics.  As part of the questionnaire they also asked them a series questions to determine their quality of life.  The superimposed their results on a graph.  Here is what their results look like:

Now, this might be difficult to understand, but here’s the gist of it.  Those individuals who participated in the survey and were single reported a lower quality of life than those who were in mixed-orientation marriages.  Those who had been in mixed orientation marriages but were divorced reported a slightly higher (but statistically significant) quality of life than those who were still married.  Those who were committed to a same sex partner showed a significantly higher quality of life, with the highest of all being those who were in a legally recognized same-sex marriage.  By the way, those who were in legally recognized same-sex marriages, on averaged, had a higher quality of life rating than the quality of life of your average, healthy individual.

I point this out for one reason: there is a tendency in the Church to believe that it is only eternity that matters.  There is a tendency in the Church to see homosexuality as a trial to be overcome.  The Church itself asks homosexual members to abstain from any kind of relationship, unless they decide to go against their feelings and desires and try to marry someone of the opposite gender.  They are discouraged from dating, kissing, or holding hands.  They feel isolated, alone, scared, and misunderstood.  They feel defective.  They feel that they need to change.  All of this contributes to their lower than average quality of life score.  Many of them feel that God hates them for being gay.  They may feel so bad about life that many of them decide that it is better to take their own lives than to give into their attractions or face life alone.  I should know.  While I have never attempted suicide, I certainly have contemplated it.  And it was through a relationship that I had with a man that I decided that it might be a good idea for me to stick around for a while longer.

Why am I for gay marriage?  Because it can lead to a higher quality of life for people.  Because it can give some people hope.  It can give some people the hope that they need to stay alive.  Yes, if you believe that the Church teaches about families and eternal life, then those who participate in it may end up being alone in the eternities, separate from God, but at least they may have the opportunity to stay on this earth a little bit longer than they would without it.  At least they would be able to feel what some of the joys of loving companionship are all about.  At least they may begin to feel like they are normal and not defective.  And, when they are faced with the decision to either take their own lives because everything seems so helpless, or continue on, hopefully they may decide to stick around for a while.

I have a friend who is gay and had left the Church several years ago, and is in a committed relationship with another man.  He recently decided to go back to church.  During his first meeting with his bishop he told his bishop that he was gay, that he was in a relationship, and that he did not come back to church to be excommunicated.  He told his bishop that he feels that he can experience life better with a partner than he can on his own.  His bishop agreed.  His bishop has done everything in his power to make my friend feel like a part of the congregation, even having him help out I classes and speak in sacrament meeting.  To that I say, “God bless you dear bishop!”

Now, having said my peace, I understand that gay marriage is, and will continue to be, a hotly contended issue.  There are very strong feelings on both sides.  In the weeks, months, and even years to come, may we remember the Savior’s teachings that “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me,” and to do unto others as we would have others do unto us.

Poems

I've had A LOT going on recently.  Not quite sure where things are going to end up.  I guess that's the whole point, to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  I guess that's what I told people when I was a flight attendant. Even though the flight may be bumpy (and at times it was VERY bumpy) there's still a lot of beauty to be seen, even though you're only 10,000 feet in the air.  Anyway, I digress.  There have been a few poems in my head recently.  One of them is "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.  The other is the beginning of "Little Gidding V" by T. S. Eliot.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;      

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,      

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.      

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.      

Little Gidding V

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

As I sit here and read these verses, I find myself filled with emotion.  There may be many of you, my friends and family, who might not agree with things that I may have said and/or done in the recent past.  If I caused any offense or discomfort to any of you, especially my family, I deeply apologize.  I love you and am grateful that you are all in my life.  To tell the truth, I'm not sure if I totally agree with myself and with recent events.  One thing is for sure, after years of inactivity, years of sitting on the fence, afraid of my own shadow, after years of running from myself, literally, across the country, I have decided to stop running and take a stand.  I have decided to pick a direction and move in it.  I'm not sure where the direction will lead me, I'm not even sure that I won't fall flat on my face, but I need to try.

I love you all and thank you all for your love and support.  God bless you.

Mark Trombly

My Story

Hi, my name is Mark Trombly.  I'm 38 years old, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and gay.  This blog, which I so rightfully named "A New Beginning" back in 2007, is my story.  Why am I writing this?  Because I belong to a select group of individuals who is so understood, we don't even understand ourselves.  For most of my life I have felt conflicted.  I have felt that there were two opposing parts of me that were fighting for attention, the one that wanted to be an active member of the Church, and the one who felt this very real attraction towards men.  Honestly, as I evaluate my life, I can't see my life without either one of those aspects of myself.  At least for now, the thought of having to choose between giving up either my membership in the Church, or giving up my homosexuality, is somewhat like having to choose between cutting off either my right arm or my left arm.  I don't want to cut off either one.  I am quite attached to both of them.  So now what???

For the longest time, I have thought that all I had to do was change and I would be happy.  I have thought that the "gay" part of me was defective.  I saw myself as a defective.  I spent the majority of my life running from myself.  In all reality, I hated myself.  This hatred manifested itself in almost daily suicidal thoughts and in eating obsessively.  I knew that I wasn't strong enough to actually kill myself, but I also knew that if I ate enough, it would eventually happen.

Why am I writing such a depressing article?  Why am I choosing to come forward now?  There are multiple reasons.  I ran into the primary reason when I logged onto www.affirmation.org.  From their website, Affirmation is a group of "Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals from every background and situation, united in the shared experience of a spiritual and/or cultural heritage in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”  I did not log onto that website because I believe in what they stand for.  I logged on because I was curious.  What I saw when I logged on shook me.  I saw the following words:

Gay Mormon Man from Utah Commits Suicide

Chris Wayne Beers was 38 years old

According to stories posted on several Mormon blogs, Chris Wayne Beers, a returned missionary and former church employee, took his life on March 18. He was 38 years old.

As I read those words I thought, “That could be me.”  I’m 38 years old.  I have felt conflicted about my sexuality for my whole life.  I thought that all I had to do was change, get married to a woman, have the quintessential “Mormon” family, and everything would be better.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I didn’t quite fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I had to fit into someone else’s predetermined mold, but I couldn't.    I have had people who were straight tell me that I didn’t seem like I was straight.  I have had people who were gay tell me that I didn’t seem like I was gay.  I have spent my whole life wondering where I fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I was unacceptable to both God and man.  I have spent my whole life thinking that if I were to actually admit that I was gay, that God would somehow stop loving me.  I felt that, in some ways, he didn’t love me because I didn’t live up to his ideal. 

I am coming forth because I feel, no, I know, that I am not alone.  I know that for every Chris Wayne who kills himself, there are hundreds, if not thousands of individuals, of all faiths, who suffer in silence.  I know that there are also a large percentage of individuals who choose the painful route of leaving the very faith, which they have held dear for so many years, because they can see no other way.  I am also coming forth because there are so many men who are otherwise happily married to women, who feel that they are failing in their relationships with their wives and their children because they cannot seem to get over this attraction to men that plagues them so. (OK, perhaps this is a little melodramatic, but it’s 2:30 in the morning so please give me a break!)  J

Thankfully, there have been certain events, of which I will write at a later date, that have helped me to begin to resolve some of the above-mentioned conflicts in my life.  Believe me; I have a slew of blog postings that I have started in the past few months that are waiting to be finished.  One of the biggest ones is the discovery of a counseling program called “The Map.”  It was spearheaded by two wonderful people, Danny Caldwell and Lucinda Berg.  This program is unique in that it doesn’t present individuals with an either/or scenario.  Its main goal is to help the individuals who go through it to find balance and give them the tools to make their own decisions in life, to develop their own context, and to see life in a way that works for them.  Thanks to my few meetings with Lucinda, who by the way, is a wonderful, loving person, someone with whom I instantly felt comfortable, I have been able to gain some pretty valuable insights about myself and how I run my life. 

This program is a program that, as a future counselor, I can see myself getting behind.  The first phase is called “The Junction.”  From their website:

The Junction is a 10 week counseling program designed to give you the tools to make your own MAP and live your best life. Each session is designed to explore important issues such as: improving self-esteem, creating short and long term goals, improving family relationships, enhancing social relationships, dealing with anger, avoiding depression, reducing anxiety and avoiding thinking errors. At the end of the 10 week course, you will better understand who you are, and how best to incorporate these key components which are essential for growth and well being, into your life.

At this point you will be able to better decide which route you want to take in this journey, whether that is choosing one of the 3 routes offered by The MAP or continuing on your own.

After “The Junction” they have three different “Routes.”  Route 1 is for those individuals who decide that being gay is not part of their core beliefs about themselves and would like to change that.  Route 2 is for individuals who want to accept the fact that they’re gay, but do not wish to pursue romantic relationships with other men.  Route 3 is for individuals for whom being Gay is part of their identity and want to learn how to express that part of themselves in a healthy way.  Regardless of which route they choose, the choice is always made by the individual. 

Wow!  I feel so much better after writing this.  I guess it’s time to go to sleep.  Thank you for reading.  Please stay tuned for more.

Love,

Mark

The Dream

Right before I woke up I had a dream.  This dream was so profound that I had to write it down before I forgot it.  In the dream I was with my friends, Niel and Brittany Campbell, who I know from BYU--Idaho.  Niel and Brittany had driven out to where I was because I was having car trouble.  Niel got in my car and drove it away.    I then got into Niel and Britanny's car, with Brittany, and drove away.  I soon realized that I was having trouble seeing where I was going, which puzzled me.  I soon found out that the reason why I was having trouble seeing where I was going was because I was sitting in the back seat.  I then realized that Brittany was sitting in the front passenger's seat, there was nobody driving, and we were about to begin down this steep, windy hill on a city street.  I panicked and asked Brittany if she had a way to stop the car.  She tried at first, unsuccessfully, until I recommended that she slide over to the driver's seat and stop it, which she eventually did.  Thankfully, we were able to make it down the hill without any incident.  I then got in the driver's seat and we both drove off.  It was then that I noticed, by looking at Niel's awesome GPS display which took up the entire dash board in front of me, that I was off course and did not know how to get back.

This life may or may not be a metaphor for my life.  I have finally begun to come to terms with the fact that I'm gay and I'm having a really hard time with that.  I have started seeing a therapist who has a program set up to help me to make some big decisions in my life.  I guess I could draw some other metaphors, but it's time for me to go to work.  I might add a part two to this posting later.

Blessings

Life's been kind of tumultuous recently.  I'm not at liberty to say why right now, just suffice it to say that it has been that way.  Today, some of the tumult ended in a way that was both satisfying and grieving at the same time. After it ended, I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's house and play a really cool game.  On the way home, I decided to turn on my iPod and listen to some Aerosmith.  The following song came on, which touched me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSmOvYzSeaQ&ob=av2e

I have noticed that there are many times in my life when I am not grateful for the blessings with which I have been bestowed.  Sometimes, I have noticed, that God has to take me down a peg or two in order to make me realize how blessed I am.  When I am finally able to slow down and listen to him, and see the beauty of life all around me, I am amazed.  I am amazed this evening about how good Heavenly Father is to me.  I am also amazed at how kind and generous some people are (you know who you are) even though I may not feel like I deserve it.

I find the entire message of this song to be heart warming, especially the chorus:

It's amazing,
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.
Oh, it's amazing,
When the moment arrives, that you know you'll be all right.
Oh, it's amazing,
And I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.

I am so grateful for the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.  I know that he loves me even though I stumble, fall, and try to get back up again.  I know that he loves every "desperate heart," regardless of our station, circumstance, or whether we are able to love him back.

This post goes out to all of you desperate hearts out there, wherever you are.  I love you!

Mark

Compassion and Suffering

I can't believe that I'm still awake, but I had to write this before I went to bed.  I have had an "ah ha" moment, and I just had to share it.

I was reading in "You are Here" by Tich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Monk (No, I'm not becoming Buddhist).  I came upon this passage, which got me thinking.  It says:

"For me the Kingdom of God is where Mindfulness exists, and it is the kingdom where there is compassion.  The Kingdom of God, the Pure Land, is not a place where there is no suffering.  Many people aspire to go to a place where pain and suffering do not exist, a place where there is only happiness.  This is a rather dangerous idea, for compassion is not possible (emphasis added) without pain and suffering.  It is only when we enter into contact with suffering that understanding and compassion can be born.  Without suffering, we do not have the opportunity to cultivate compassion and understanding; and without understanding, there can be no true love."

This got me thinking.  First, it got me thinking about my Savior, Jesus Christ.  It got me thinking of Alma 17: 12 in the Book of Mormon:

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

He did not have to suffer the way that he suffered for me.  He was not forced to suffer.  He chose to suffer.  Why?  So that he could have compassion for us.  He did it so that he would know what it felt like to be us.  He did it so he would know, personally, how to reach out to each one of us and help us to find our way back home to him.

This passage also made me think of another scripture in the Book of Mormon.  "For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things...If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad….(2 Nephi 2: 10).”

I just thought of another book, this time from the Book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price.  (Sorry about all of the Mormon-centric scriptures.  I’m not familiar with corresponding verses in the Bible, or I would have happily used those.)  “Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should…have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”

“So,” you may be asking, “What is your point?”  Here’s my point, we need to suffer in order to be happy.  We need to understand just how much life can suck, in order to understand how great life can be.  We need to experience just how bad we have it, just to experience how good we really have it.  We need to embrace our suffering, look at it a little differently, and treat it as a little child.  Why?  Because suffering teaches us how to be happy.  We cannot have the good without the evil.  We cannot have the light from the dark.  We cannot have the yin without the yang.  We cannot experience joy and happiness without experiencing pain and sorrow.

Instead of trying to avoid our suffering, we need to embrace it.  We need to cradle it like we would cradle a little child.  We need to be grateful for it.  We need to treat it for what it is, an opportunity to be happy.  It is only when we do this that we upon ourselves up to receive the true gift that Heavenly Father is trying to give us, peace.  And we don’t have to wait until we die and go to heaven to have peace.  We can have peace here and now.  “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14: 27).”