My Story

Hi, my name is Mark Trombly.  I'm 38 years old, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and gay.  This blog, which I so rightfully named "A New Beginning" back in 2007, is my story.  Why am I writing this?  Because I belong to a select group of individuals who is so understood, we don't even understand ourselves.  For most of my life I have felt conflicted.  I have felt that there were two opposing parts of me that were fighting for attention, the one that wanted to be an active member of the Church, and the one who felt this very real attraction towards men.  Honestly, as I evaluate my life, I can't see my life without either one of those aspects of myself.  At least for now, the thought of having to choose between giving up either my membership in the Church, or giving up my homosexuality, is somewhat like having to choose between cutting off either my right arm or my left arm.  I don't want to cut off either one.  I am quite attached to both of them.  So now what???

For the longest time, I have thought that all I had to do was change and I would be happy.  I have thought that the "gay" part of me was defective.  I saw myself as a defective.  I spent the majority of my life running from myself.  In all reality, I hated myself.  This hatred manifested itself in almost daily suicidal thoughts and in eating obsessively.  I knew that I wasn't strong enough to actually kill myself, but I also knew that if I ate enough, it would eventually happen.

Why am I writing such a depressing article?  Why am I choosing to come forward now?  There are multiple reasons.  I ran into the primary reason when I logged onto www.affirmation.org.  From their website, Affirmation is a group of "Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals from every background and situation, united in the shared experience of a spiritual and/or cultural heritage in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”  I did not log onto that website because I believe in what they stand for.  I logged on because I was curious.  What I saw when I logged on shook me.  I saw the following words:

Gay Mormon Man from Utah Commits Suicide

Chris Wayne Beers was 38 years old

According to stories posted on several Mormon blogs, Chris Wayne Beers, a returned missionary and former church employee, took his life on March 18. He was 38 years old.

As I read those words I thought, “That could be me.”  I’m 38 years old.  I have felt conflicted about my sexuality for my whole life.  I thought that all I had to do was change, get married to a woman, have the quintessential “Mormon” family, and everything would be better.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I didn’t quite fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I had to fit into someone else’s predetermined mold, but I couldn't.    I have had people who were straight tell me that I didn’t seem like I was straight.  I have had people who were gay tell me that I didn’t seem like I was gay.  I have spent my whole life wondering where I fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I was unacceptable to both God and man.  I have spent my whole life thinking that if I were to actually admit that I was gay, that God would somehow stop loving me.  I felt that, in some ways, he didn’t love me because I didn’t live up to his ideal. 

I am coming forth because I feel, no, I know, that I am not alone.  I know that for every Chris Wayne who kills himself, there are hundreds, if not thousands of individuals, of all faiths, who suffer in silence.  I know that there are also a large percentage of individuals who choose the painful route of leaving the very faith, which they have held dear for so many years, because they can see no other way.  I am also coming forth because there are so many men who are otherwise happily married to women, who feel that they are failing in their relationships with their wives and their children because they cannot seem to get over this attraction to men that plagues them so. (OK, perhaps this is a little melodramatic, but it’s 2:30 in the morning so please give me a break!)  J

Thankfully, there have been certain events, of which I will write at a later date, that have helped me to begin to resolve some of the above-mentioned conflicts in my life.  Believe me; I have a slew of blog postings that I have started in the past few months that are waiting to be finished.  One of the biggest ones is the discovery of a counseling program called “The Map.”  It was spearheaded by two wonderful people, Danny Caldwell and Lucinda Berg.  This program is unique in that it doesn’t present individuals with an either/or scenario.  Its main goal is to help the individuals who go through it to find balance and give them the tools to make their own decisions in life, to develop their own context, and to see life in a way that works for them.  Thanks to my few meetings with Lucinda, who by the way, is a wonderful, loving person, someone with whom I instantly felt comfortable, I have been able to gain some pretty valuable insights about myself and how I run my life. 

This program is a program that, as a future counselor, I can see myself getting behind.  The first phase is called “The Junction.”  From their website:

The Junction is a 10 week counseling program designed to give you the tools to make your own MAP and live your best life. Each session is designed to explore important issues such as: improving self-esteem, creating short and long term goals, improving family relationships, enhancing social relationships, dealing with anger, avoiding depression, reducing anxiety and avoiding thinking errors. At the end of the 10 week course, you will better understand who you are, and how best to incorporate these key components which are essential for growth and well being, into your life.

At this point you will be able to better decide which route you want to take in this journey, whether that is choosing one of the 3 routes offered by The MAP or continuing on your own.

After “The Junction” they have three different “Routes.”  Route 1 is for those individuals who decide that being gay is not part of their core beliefs about themselves and would like to change that.  Route 2 is for individuals who want to accept the fact that they’re gay, but do not wish to pursue romantic relationships with other men.  Route 3 is for individuals for whom being Gay is part of their identity and want to learn how to express that part of themselves in a healthy way.  Regardless of which route they choose, the choice is always made by the individual. 

Wow!  I feel so much better after writing this.  I guess it’s time to go to sleep.  Thank you for reading.  Please stay tuned for more.

Love,

Mark