Gay Marriage

I should be looking for a job, but this is something that I have had on my mind for a long time.  With the election only two weeks away, Maryland, along with Maine, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Washington are voting on some kind of same sex marriage ballot question.  I feel that I am in a unique situation because I can easily see where both sides are coming from, at least as far as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is concerned.  I found myself on the side of opposing same sex marriage during the Proposition 8 battle that took place in California a few years ago.  Now, if I had been able to legally register to vote in time, I would vote for Maryland to allow gay marriage to happen.  Why the switch?  Well, I guess I will try to explain that now.

I guess that I first have to start by explaining why, in my opinion, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage.  Some people might say that they're afraid of being forced to perform gay marriages in their temples.  While that may be a factor, I do not believe that it's the primary reason.  I believe that the Church's primary reason rests upon its belief in the eternal nature of families.  The Church proclaims that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”  They also proclaim that “children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother…”  (http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng)

Now, “Why,” you may ask, “do they believe such a thing?”  That would be an excellent question.  It all stems on the Church’s belief of who God is, what our relationship to God is, and what or purpose in life is.  The Church believes that God is literally our Father.  He is commonly referred to by members of the Church as “Father in Heaven.”  This is a commonly known belief.  What may not be common is the belief that we also have a “Mother in Heaven,” and that God is married, and that we are literally his offspring.  The Church teaches that  “Man, as a spirit, was begotten and born of heavenly parents, and reared to maturity in the eternal mansions of the Father, prior to coming upon the earth in a temporal [physical] body” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 335).

The Church also teaches that not only were we organized as a family before we came to this earth, that we will also have the opportunity to be organized as families after we leave this earth.  As a matter of fact, that is the definition of eternal life, to have the kind of life that God has, to have our family continue into the eternities.  When you hear of a member of the Church talk about “eternal progression,” he’s not talking about continually learning into the eternities, he’s talking about having seed that is as innumerable as the sands of the sea.  (For more information please feel free to browse both www.lds.org or www.mormon.org.

The Church also believes that the only way that we can be truly happy in the eternities is to have eternal life, to live with Heavenly Father, to be organized into our families in the eternities and that Satan would do anything to disrupt that.  The Church believes that the only marriage that can be recognized by God in the eternities is a marriage between a man and a wife, legally and lawfully wedded in the temple by one having the proper authority.  They further teach that no other type of marriage will be accepted by God in the eternities.  http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng  They also believe that this life, while important, is only a small part of our life and it is actually a preparatory stage for what is to come after this life.  The Church teaches that any arrangement other than the traditional “nuclear family” will ultimately result in Heavenly Father’s children being separated from him for time and for all eternity and will ultimately result in their eternal unhappiness because they do not get to partake of the full blessings of the gospel.  So, when you hear that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage, in their eyes, they are doing it out of love because recognizing gay marriage means that they would have to recognize a relationship that will ultimately result in, what they believe, to be the eternal unhappiness of those who engage in it.  Not to mention that the Church has a strict law of chastity, which prohibits any kind of sexual relationship outside of the bounds of marriage between a man and a woman.  That was also my opinion before I came out of the closet.  I suppose that you can say that my opinion may have changed a bit.  Why?  Because I can see the other side of the story and I have also experienced it for myself.

For the longest time I fought against being gay.  I thought that my attraction to men was something that was evil, something that I needed to change.  I would often fall in love with straight friends and feel horrible about it, going to bishops to repent and get help to change.  It was and probably still is, quite literally, something that I hated about myself.  It is most definitely one of the major causes of my weight gain.  I believe that I even tried to run from it, but wherever I went, it would catch up with me.  I even moved to Utah in a hope to meet with a therapist who would help me get rid of my attractions once and for all.  When people ask me why I went to Utah in the first place, my gut reaction is to tell them that I went there to get away from being gay.  Little did I know that Utah was the place where I would decide, or at least begin to decide, that it’s OK to be gay. 

“How,” you might ask, “did that happen?”  I fell in love.  For the first time in my life I fell in love, and the feelings were reciprocated.  It was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.  I fell in love with one of the kindest, most generous, most caring individuals that I think that I will ever have the privilege of meeting.  It was through his love of me, and the way that he saw me, that I began to see the good in myself.  His love for me helped me to begin to transition from hating myself to loving myself.  I would often say to myself, “if he feels this way about me, then I can’t be such a bad guy.”  It was through this and other relationships, that I was able to become a happier, more loving, more caring, and more genuine person.  You might say that because of this relationship that my quality of life went up!  Not only has this happened to me, but it has happened to other people that I know.

You see, companionship is a human need.  Babies who are left without human touch and companionship die.  People who are left in solitary confinement in prison will often come out more disturbed and violent than they were before they went in.  People who feel that it is wrong to be gay and try to force themselves to change generally have lower qualities of life, are more miserable, and more prone to committing suicide than those who come to terms with their attractions and accept them. 

Bill Bradshaw (et all) http://ldshomosexuality.org/ recently completed a study of almost 1,600 participants who identify as having some kind of attraction to members of their same gender and are either presently or formerly associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  They asked them questions on several different topics.  As part of the questionnaire they also asked them a series questions to determine their quality of life.  The superimposed their results on a graph.  Here is what their results look like:

Now, this might be difficult to understand, but here’s the gist of it.  Those individuals who participated in the survey and were single reported a lower quality of life than those who were in mixed-orientation marriages.  Those who had been in mixed orientation marriages but were divorced reported a slightly higher (but statistically significant) quality of life than those who were still married.  Those who were committed to a same sex partner showed a significantly higher quality of life, with the highest of all being those who were in a legally recognized same-sex marriage.  By the way, those who were in legally recognized same-sex marriages, on averaged, had a higher quality of life rating than the quality of life of your average, healthy individual.

I point this out for one reason: there is a tendency in the Church to believe that it is only eternity that matters.  There is a tendency in the Church to see homosexuality as a trial to be overcome.  The Church itself asks homosexual members to abstain from any kind of relationship, unless they decide to go against their feelings and desires and try to marry someone of the opposite gender.  They are discouraged from dating, kissing, or holding hands.  They feel isolated, alone, scared, and misunderstood.  They feel defective.  They feel that they need to change.  All of this contributes to their lower than average quality of life score.  Many of them feel that God hates them for being gay.  They may feel so bad about life that many of them decide that it is better to take their own lives than to give into their attractions or face life alone.  I should know.  While I have never attempted suicide, I certainly have contemplated it.  And it was through a relationship that I had with a man that I decided that it might be a good idea for me to stick around for a while longer.

Why am I for gay marriage?  Because it can lead to a higher quality of life for people.  Because it can give some people hope.  It can give some people the hope that they need to stay alive.  Yes, if you believe that the Church teaches about families and eternal life, then those who participate in it may end up being alone in the eternities, separate from God, but at least they may have the opportunity to stay on this earth a little bit longer than they would without it.  At least they would be able to feel what some of the joys of loving companionship are all about.  At least they may begin to feel like they are normal and not defective.  And, when they are faced with the decision to either take their own lives because everything seems so helpless, or continue on, hopefully they may decide to stick around for a while.

I have a friend who is gay and had left the Church several years ago, and is in a committed relationship with another man.  He recently decided to go back to church.  During his first meeting with his bishop he told his bishop that he was gay, that he was in a relationship, and that he did not come back to church to be excommunicated.  He told his bishop that he feels that he can experience life better with a partner than he can on his own.  His bishop agreed.  His bishop has done everything in his power to make my friend feel like a part of the congregation, even having him help out I classes and speak in sacrament meeting.  To that I say, “God bless you dear bishop!”

Now, having said my peace, I understand that gay marriage is, and will continue to be, a hotly contended issue.  There are very strong feelings on both sides.  In the weeks, months, and even years to come, may we remember the Savior’s teachings that “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me,” and to do unto others as we would have others do unto us.