Gay Marriage

I should be looking for a job, but this is something that I have had on my mind for a long time.  With the election only two weeks away, Maryland, along with Maine, Minnesota, North Carolina, and Washington are voting on some kind of same sex marriage ballot question.  I feel that I am in a unique situation because I can easily see where both sides are coming from, at least as far as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is concerned.  I found myself on the side of opposing same sex marriage during the Proposition 8 battle that took place in California a few years ago.  Now, if I had been able to legally register to vote in time, I would vote for Maryland to allow gay marriage to happen.  Why the switch?  Well, I guess I will try to explain that now.

I guess that I first have to start by explaining why, in my opinion, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage.  Some people might say that they're afraid of being forced to perform gay marriages in their temples.  While that may be a factor, I do not believe that it's the primary reason.  I believe that the Church's primary reason rests upon its belief in the eternal nature of families.  The Church proclaims that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”  They also proclaim that “children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother…”  (http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng)

Now, “Why,” you may ask, “do they believe such a thing?”  That would be an excellent question.  It all stems on the Church’s belief of who God is, what our relationship to God is, and what or purpose in life is.  The Church believes that God is literally our Father.  He is commonly referred to by members of the Church as “Father in Heaven.”  This is a commonly known belief.  What may not be common is the belief that we also have a “Mother in Heaven,” and that God is married, and that we are literally his offspring.  The Church teaches that  “Man, as a spirit, was begotten and born of heavenly parents, and reared to maturity in the eternal mansions of the Father, prior to coming upon the earth in a temporal [physical] body” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith [1998], 335).

The Church also teaches that not only were we organized as a family before we came to this earth, that we will also have the opportunity to be organized as families after we leave this earth.  As a matter of fact, that is the definition of eternal life, to have the kind of life that God has, to have our family continue into the eternities.  When you hear of a member of the Church talk about “eternal progression,” he’s not talking about continually learning into the eternities, he’s talking about having seed that is as innumerable as the sands of the sea.  (For more information please feel free to browse both www.lds.org or www.mormon.org.

The Church also believes that the only way that we can be truly happy in the eternities is to have eternal life, to live with Heavenly Father, to be organized into our families in the eternities and that Satan would do anything to disrupt that.  The Church believes that the only marriage that can be recognized by God in the eternities is a marriage between a man and a wife, legally and lawfully wedded in the temple by one having the proper authority.  They further teach that no other type of marriage will be accepted by God in the eternities.  http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/132?lang=eng  They also believe that this life, while important, is only a small part of our life and it is actually a preparatory stage for what is to come after this life.  The Church teaches that any arrangement other than the traditional “nuclear family” will ultimately result in Heavenly Father’s children being separated from him for time and for all eternity and will ultimately result in their eternal unhappiness because they do not get to partake of the full blessings of the gospel.  So, when you hear that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints opposes gay marriage, in their eyes, they are doing it out of love because recognizing gay marriage means that they would have to recognize a relationship that will ultimately result in, what they believe, to be the eternal unhappiness of those who engage in it.  Not to mention that the Church has a strict law of chastity, which prohibits any kind of sexual relationship outside of the bounds of marriage between a man and a woman.  That was also my opinion before I came out of the closet.  I suppose that you can say that my opinion may have changed a bit.  Why?  Because I can see the other side of the story and I have also experienced it for myself.

For the longest time I fought against being gay.  I thought that my attraction to men was something that was evil, something that I needed to change.  I would often fall in love with straight friends and feel horrible about it, going to bishops to repent and get help to change.  It was and probably still is, quite literally, something that I hated about myself.  It is most definitely one of the major causes of my weight gain.  I believe that I even tried to run from it, but wherever I went, it would catch up with me.  I even moved to Utah in a hope to meet with a therapist who would help me get rid of my attractions once and for all.  When people ask me why I went to Utah in the first place, my gut reaction is to tell them that I went there to get away from being gay.  Little did I know that Utah was the place where I would decide, or at least begin to decide, that it’s OK to be gay. 

“How,” you might ask, “did that happen?”  I fell in love.  For the first time in my life I fell in love, and the feelings were reciprocated.  It was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.  I fell in love with one of the kindest, most generous, most caring individuals that I think that I will ever have the privilege of meeting.  It was through his love of me, and the way that he saw me, that I began to see the good in myself.  His love for me helped me to begin to transition from hating myself to loving myself.  I would often say to myself, “if he feels this way about me, then I can’t be such a bad guy.”  It was through this and other relationships, that I was able to become a happier, more loving, more caring, and more genuine person.  You might say that because of this relationship that my quality of life went up!  Not only has this happened to me, but it has happened to other people that I know.

You see, companionship is a human need.  Babies who are left without human touch and companionship die.  People who are left in solitary confinement in prison will often come out more disturbed and violent than they were before they went in.  People who feel that it is wrong to be gay and try to force themselves to change generally have lower qualities of life, are more miserable, and more prone to committing suicide than those who come to terms with their attractions and accept them. 

Bill Bradshaw (et all) http://ldshomosexuality.org/ recently completed a study of almost 1,600 participants who identify as having some kind of attraction to members of their same gender and are either presently or formerly associated with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  They asked them questions on several different topics.  As part of the questionnaire they also asked them a series questions to determine their quality of life.  The superimposed their results on a graph.  Here is what their results look like:

Now, this might be difficult to understand, but here’s the gist of it.  Those individuals who participated in the survey and were single reported a lower quality of life than those who were in mixed-orientation marriages.  Those who had been in mixed orientation marriages but were divorced reported a slightly higher (but statistically significant) quality of life than those who were still married.  Those who were committed to a same sex partner showed a significantly higher quality of life, with the highest of all being those who were in a legally recognized same-sex marriage.  By the way, those who were in legally recognized same-sex marriages, on averaged, had a higher quality of life rating than the quality of life of your average, healthy individual.

I point this out for one reason: there is a tendency in the Church to believe that it is only eternity that matters.  There is a tendency in the Church to see homosexuality as a trial to be overcome.  The Church itself asks homosexual members to abstain from any kind of relationship, unless they decide to go against their feelings and desires and try to marry someone of the opposite gender.  They are discouraged from dating, kissing, or holding hands.  They feel isolated, alone, scared, and misunderstood.  They feel defective.  They feel that they need to change.  All of this contributes to their lower than average quality of life score.  Many of them feel that God hates them for being gay.  They may feel so bad about life that many of them decide that it is better to take their own lives than to give into their attractions or face life alone.  I should know.  While I have never attempted suicide, I certainly have contemplated it.  And it was through a relationship that I had with a man that I decided that it might be a good idea for me to stick around for a while longer.

Why am I for gay marriage?  Because it can lead to a higher quality of life for people.  Because it can give some people hope.  It can give some people the hope that they need to stay alive.  Yes, if you believe that the Church teaches about families and eternal life, then those who participate in it may end up being alone in the eternities, separate from God, but at least they may have the opportunity to stay on this earth a little bit longer than they would without it.  At least they would be able to feel what some of the joys of loving companionship are all about.  At least they may begin to feel like they are normal and not defective.  And, when they are faced with the decision to either take their own lives because everything seems so helpless, or continue on, hopefully they may decide to stick around for a while.

I have a friend who is gay and had left the Church several years ago, and is in a committed relationship with another man.  He recently decided to go back to church.  During his first meeting with his bishop he told his bishop that he was gay, that he was in a relationship, and that he did not come back to church to be excommunicated.  He told his bishop that he feels that he can experience life better with a partner than he can on his own.  His bishop agreed.  His bishop has done everything in his power to make my friend feel like a part of the congregation, even having him help out I classes and speak in sacrament meeting.  To that I say, “God bless you dear bishop!”

Now, having said my peace, I understand that gay marriage is, and will continue to be, a hotly contended issue.  There are very strong feelings on both sides.  In the weeks, months, and even years to come, may we remember the Savior’s teachings that “Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me,” and to do unto others as we would have others do unto us.

Poems

I've had A LOT going on recently.  Not quite sure where things are going to end up.  I guess that's the whole point, to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.  I guess that's what I told people when I was a flight attendant. Even though the flight may be bumpy (and at times it was VERY bumpy) there's still a lot of beauty to be seen, even though you're only 10,000 feet in the air.  Anyway, I digress.  There have been a few poems in my head recently.  One of them is "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.  The other is the beginning of "Little Gidding V" by T. S. Eliot.

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;      

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,      

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.      

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.      

Little Gidding V

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

As I sit here and read these verses, I find myself filled with emotion.  There may be many of you, my friends and family, who might not agree with things that I may have said and/or done in the recent past.  If I caused any offense or discomfort to any of you, especially my family, I deeply apologize.  I love you and am grateful that you are all in my life.  To tell the truth, I'm not sure if I totally agree with myself and with recent events.  One thing is for sure, after years of inactivity, years of sitting on the fence, afraid of my own shadow, after years of running from myself, literally, across the country, I have decided to stop running and take a stand.  I have decided to pick a direction and move in it.  I'm not sure where the direction will lead me, I'm not even sure that I won't fall flat on my face, but I need to try.

I love you all and thank you all for your love and support.  God bless you.

Mark Trombly

My Story

Hi, my name is Mark Trombly.  I'm 38 years old, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and gay.  This blog, which I so rightfully named "A New Beginning" back in 2007, is my story.  Why am I writing this?  Because I belong to a select group of individuals who is so understood, we don't even understand ourselves.  For most of my life I have felt conflicted.  I have felt that there were two opposing parts of me that were fighting for attention, the one that wanted to be an active member of the Church, and the one who felt this very real attraction towards men.  Honestly, as I evaluate my life, I can't see my life without either one of those aspects of myself.  At least for now, the thought of having to choose between giving up either my membership in the Church, or giving up my homosexuality, is somewhat like having to choose between cutting off either my right arm or my left arm.  I don't want to cut off either one.  I am quite attached to both of them.  So now what???

For the longest time, I have thought that all I had to do was change and I would be happy.  I have thought that the "gay" part of me was defective.  I saw myself as a defective.  I spent the majority of my life running from myself.  In all reality, I hated myself.  This hatred manifested itself in almost daily suicidal thoughts and in eating obsessively.  I knew that I wasn't strong enough to actually kill myself, but I also knew that if I ate enough, it would eventually happen.

Why am I writing such a depressing article?  Why am I choosing to come forward now?  There are multiple reasons.  I ran into the primary reason when I logged onto www.affirmation.org.  From their website, Affirmation is a group of "Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals from every background and situation, united in the shared experience of a spiritual and/or cultural heritage in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”  I did not log onto that website because I believe in what they stand for.  I logged on because I was curious.  What I saw when I logged on shook me.  I saw the following words:

Gay Mormon Man from Utah Commits Suicide

Chris Wayne Beers was 38 years old

According to stories posted on several Mormon blogs, Chris Wayne Beers, a returned missionary and former church employee, took his life on March 18. He was 38 years old.

As I read those words I thought, “That could be me.”  I’m 38 years old.  I have felt conflicted about my sexuality for my whole life.  I thought that all I had to do was change, get married to a woman, have the quintessential “Mormon” family, and everything would be better.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I didn’t quite fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I had to fit into someone else’s predetermined mold, but I couldn't.    I have had people who were straight tell me that I didn’t seem like I was straight.  I have had people who were gay tell me that I didn’t seem like I was gay.  I have spent my whole life wondering where I fit in.  I have spent my whole life feeling like I was unacceptable to both God and man.  I have spent my whole life thinking that if I were to actually admit that I was gay, that God would somehow stop loving me.  I felt that, in some ways, he didn’t love me because I didn’t live up to his ideal. 

I am coming forth because I feel, no, I know, that I am not alone.  I know that for every Chris Wayne who kills himself, there are hundreds, if not thousands of individuals, of all faiths, who suffer in silence.  I know that there are also a large percentage of individuals who choose the painful route of leaving the very faith, which they have held dear for so many years, because they can see no other way.  I am also coming forth because there are so many men who are otherwise happily married to women, who feel that they are failing in their relationships with their wives and their children because they cannot seem to get over this attraction to men that plagues them so. (OK, perhaps this is a little melodramatic, but it’s 2:30 in the morning so please give me a break!)  J

Thankfully, there have been certain events, of which I will write at a later date, that have helped me to begin to resolve some of the above-mentioned conflicts in my life.  Believe me; I have a slew of blog postings that I have started in the past few months that are waiting to be finished.  One of the biggest ones is the discovery of a counseling program called “The Map.”  It was spearheaded by two wonderful people, Danny Caldwell and Lucinda Berg.  This program is unique in that it doesn’t present individuals with an either/or scenario.  Its main goal is to help the individuals who go through it to find balance and give them the tools to make their own decisions in life, to develop their own context, and to see life in a way that works for them.  Thanks to my few meetings with Lucinda, who by the way, is a wonderful, loving person, someone with whom I instantly felt comfortable, I have been able to gain some pretty valuable insights about myself and how I run my life. 

This program is a program that, as a future counselor, I can see myself getting behind.  The first phase is called “The Junction.”  From their website:

The Junction is a 10 week counseling program designed to give you the tools to make your own MAP and live your best life. Each session is designed to explore important issues such as: improving self-esteem, creating short and long term goals, improving family relationships, enhancing social relationships, dealing with anger, avoiding depression, reducing anxiety and avoiding thinking errors. At the end of the 10 week course, you will better understand who you are, and how best to incorporate these key components which are essential for growth and well being, into your life.

At this point you will be able to better decide which route you want to take in this journey, whether that is choosing one of the 3 routes offered by The MAP or continuing on your own.

After “The Junction” they have three different “Routes.”  Route 1 is for those individuals who decide that being gay is not part of their core beliefs about themselves and would like to change that.  Route 2 is for individuals who want to accept the fact that they’re gay, but do not wish to pursue romantic relationships with other men.  Route 3 is for individuals for whom being Gay is part of their identity and want to learn how to express that part of themselves in a healthy way.  Regardless of which route they choose, the choice is always made by the individual. 

Wow!  I feel so much better after writing this.  I guess it’s time to go to sleep.  Thank you for reading.  Please stay tuned for more.

Love,

Mark

The Dream

Right before I woke up I had a dream.  This dream was so profound that I had to write it down before I forgot it.  In the dream I was with my friends, Niel and Brittany Campbell, who I know from BYU--Idaho.  Niel and Brittany had driven out to where I was because I was having car trouble.  Niel got in my car and drove it away.    I then got into Niel and Britanny's car, with Brittany, and drove away.  I soon realized that I was having trouble seeing where I was going, which puzzled me.  I soon found out that the reason why I was having trouble seeing where I was going was because I was sitting in the back seat.  I then realized that Brittany was sitting in the front passenger's seat, there was nobody driving, and we were about to begin down this steep, windy hill on a city street.  I panicked and asked Brittany if she had a way to stop the car.  She tried at first, unsuccessfully, until I recommended that she slide over to the driver's seat and stop it, which she eventually did.  Thankfully, we were able to make it down the hill without any incident.  I then got in the driver's seat and we both drove off.  It was then that I noticed, by looking at Niel's awesome GPS display which took up the entire dash board in front of me, that I was off course and did not know how to get back.

This life may or may not be a metaphor for my life.  I have finally begun to come to terms with the fact that I'm gay and I'm having a really hard time with that.  I have started seeing a therapist who has a program set up to help me to make some big decisions in my life.  I guess I could draw some other metaphors, but it's time for me to go to work.  I might add a part two to this posting later.

Blessings

Life's been kind of tumultuous recently.  I'm not at liberty to say why right now, just suffice it to say that it has been that way.  Today, some of the tumult ended in a way that was both satisfying and grieving at the same time. After it ended, I had the opportunity to go to a good friend's house and play a really cool game.  On the way home, I decided to turn on my iPod and listen to some Aerosmith.  The following song came on, which touched me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSmOvYzSeaQ&ob=av2e

I have noticed that there are many times in my life when I am not grateful for the blessings with which I have been bestowed.  Sometimes, I have noticed, that God has to take me down a peg or two in order to make me realize how blessed I am.  When I am finally able to slow down and listen to him, and see the beauty of life all around me, I am amazed.  I am amazed this evening about how good Heavenly Father is to me.  I am also amazed at how kind and generous some people are (you know who you are) even though I may not feel like I deserve it.

I find the entire message of this song to be heart warming, especially the chorus:

It's amazing,
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light.
Oh, it's amazing,
When the moment arrives, that you know you'll be all right.
Oh, it's amazing,
And I'm saying a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.

I am so grateful for the blessings that Heavenly Father has given me.  I know that he loves me even though I stumble, fall, and try to get back up again.  I know that he loves every "desperate heart," regardless of our station, circumstance, or whether we are able to love him back.

This post goes out to all of you desperate hearts out there, wherever you are.  I love you!

Mark

Compassion and Suffering

I can't believe that I'm still awake, but I had to write this before I went to bed.  I have had an "ah ha" moment, and I just had to share it.

I was reading in "You are Here" by Tich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist Monk (No, I'm not becoming Buddhist).  I came upon this passage, which got me thinking.  It says:

"For me the Kingdom of God is where Mindfulness exists, and it is the kingdom where there is compassion.  The Kingdom of God, the Pure Land, is not a place where there is no suffering.  Many people aspire to go to a place where pain and suffering do not exist, a place where there is only happiness.  This is a rather dangerous idea, for compassion is not possible (emphasis added) without pain and suffering.  It is only when we enter into contact with suffering that understanding and compassion can be born.  Without suffering, we do not have the opportunity to cultivate compassion and understanding; and without understanding, there can be no true love."

This got me thinking.  First, it got me thinking about my Savior, Jesus Christ.  It got me thinking of Alma 17: 12 in the Book of Mormon:

And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

He did not have to suffer the way that he suffered for me.  He was not forced to suffer.  He chose to suffer.  Why?  So that he could have compassion for us.  He did it so that he would know what it felt like to be us.  He did it so he would know, personally, how to reach out to each one of us and help us to find our way back home to him.

This passage also made me think of another scripture in the Book of Mormon.  "For it must needs be that there is an opposition in all things...If not so...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad….(2 Nephi 2: 10).”

I just thought of another book, this time from the Book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price.  (Sorry about all of the Mormon-centric scriptures.  I’m not familiar with corresponding verses in the Bible, or I would have happily used those.)  “Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should…have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”

“So,” you may be asking, “What is your point?”  Here’s my point, we need to suffer in order to be happy.  We need to understand just how much life can suck, in order to understand how great life can be.  We need to experience just how bad we have it, just to experience how good we really have it.  We need to embrace our suffering, look at it a little differently, and treat it as a little child.  Why?  Because suffering teaches us how to be happy.  We cannot have the good without the evil.  We cannot have the light from the dark.  We cannot have the yin without the yang.  We cannot experience joy and happiness without experiencing pain and sorrow.

Instead of trying to avoid our suffering, we need to embrace it.  We need to cradle it like we would cradle a little child.  We need to be grateful for it.  We need to treat it for what it is, an opportunity to be happy.  It is only when we do this that we upon ourselves up to receive the true gift that Heavenly Father is trying to give us, peace.  And we don’t have to wait until we die and go to heaven to have peace.  We can have peace here and now.  “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid (John 14: 27).”

I Know Now Why I Was Sent to BYU--Idaho

*NOTE* I began writing this at 4:09 AM on Dec 29th.  I finally finished writing it at 1:12 AM January 4th.  It's a little longer than I had planned it to be.  Please bear with me.  Also, I would appreciate your comments...

Mark

I had fully no intention of writing a posting this evening.  I was just intending on reading postings from my friend Bravon.  I was comments to his posting My little brother Donny when I felt inspired to write this posting.  I haven't posted anything for a long time.  I have the feeling that postings like this are going to be a regular occurrence.  I also feel, now more than ever, that the title of my blog is very fitting.  I thought that it was going to be about my experiences at BYU--Idaho.  I now know that they are going to be about so much more.

When I moved from Massachusetts to Florida in 2005 I thought that I was moving to a place where I would eventually call home.  In short, I thought that I would settle in FL, get married there, and live happily ever after.  It turns out that the Lord had other plans.  My independent business venture as a real estate agent flopped due to the decline in the real estate market.  After that I got a job that I hated; moved into an apartment that I couldn't afford; got a roommate that I couldn't afford; moved into an even bigger apartment that neither one of us could afford; left job that I hated under duress and spent some time as a pizza delivery boy until finding another job that I hated doing basically the same thing that I was doing in MA but for much less money; had 2 friends die; roommate moved out unexpectedly and left me holding the bag on a brand new lease on an apartment that I moved into just because he needed a place to stay (oh, did I mention that he owed me, and still owes me hundreds of dollars?); had to move into a very teeny-weeny studio apartment that I still couldn't afford; and had my car repossessed.  Did I forge to mention that during that time I managed to burn through a pretty substantial (for me) 401k while racking up thousands of dollars in credit card debt?  Gosh, just thinking about how much trouble I went thought makes my head spin.  I wonder how I even survived it.

I remember this one day; I was sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off of the phone with a particularly nasty customer from India who had absolutely no people skills.  I hated talking to people on the phone.  I couldn't believe that I was doing it as a job yet again.  As I said, I got off of the phone and thought to myself, "I don't have to put up with this."  I hated my job.  I wasn’t making enough money, and my car was in the process of being repossessed.  I was facing the prospect of having a 40 minute round trip commute by car turn into a 6 hour round trip commute by bus, and that was to and from a job that I hated.  I also realized that I was sick of the kinds of jobs that I could qualify for without a degree. So I decided to go online to BYU.edu and apply to go to college at BYU in Provo.  I was directed to besmart.com where I began filling out the application.

During the application process I was told by a number of people that I should also apply to BYU—Idaho as a plan B because BYU in Provo was very selective.  But I did NOT want to go to Rexburg.  But I checked the box for BYUI “just in case.” 

I had already visited Rexburg once in late March/early April 2001, just before it made the transition from Ricks College to BYUI.  I flew from New Hampshire to Boise to visit friends.  Whereas it was still winter in NH, spring was in full swing in Boise.  The grass was growing, leaves were beginning to come out on the trees, and the flowers were beginning to bloom.  I thought to myself, “I can handle this.”  I then got in a rental car and drove from Boise, on the western side of the state, to Rexburg, on the eastern side of the state.  I expected the climate to be just about the same because Rexburg is really not that much farther north than Boise is.  Little did I know that the further east I went the higher up I was ascending.  When I arrived in Rexburg I was disappointed to find that it was NOT like Boise.  It was COLD!  It was still in the 30s and there was still snow on the ground.  It was then that I made up my mind that I NEVER wanted to ever live there…I would later learn one very strong lesson…never say never to the Lord.

So, needless to say when BYU in Provo told me that I was “not the kind of student [they] were looking for (exact quote),” I was crushed, and quite stressed. By this point my car was already gone, I had quit my job, and I had told my landlord that I was moving out of the little hell hole that he called an apartment, but I had not heard from BYUI yet.  When I got the email notification that they had admitted me I immediately went online and accepted their offer and declared psychology as my major.

Things in Rexburg started out tough.  I had to leave Florida a month before school started.  I spent that month bouncing from friend to friend.  Thankfully one of my friends from NH got his parents to let me stay with them for a while in their condo in South Jordan, UT. That was quite a blessing.  When I finally was able to start looking at housing options in Rexburg I was dismayed.  Because I was over 30 I was not allowed to live in on-campus housing.  Nor was I allowed to live in any university-affiliated off-campus housing.  Thanks to an ad that I had placed on the school’s website I was able to find a place to stay before classes started.  It was in a housing complex that normally rents to married students.  My roommate was a 19 year old who had not been admitted as a full-time student but was taking night classes.  He had rented a furnished one-bedroom apartment.  Unfortunately, the apartment only had one bed so I was stuck sleeping on the two-seater fold-out love seat in the living room.  With my bad back and wide girth, that was probably one of the most painful few months ever.  To make matters worse, my roommate and I didn’t communicate with each other.  I attempted to talk with him several times but could never start up a conversation.  I also noticed that I felt separate and apart from the majority of the people on campus.  It seemed as though almost nobody on campus said anything to me.  I felt very much alone.

Thankfully, before the end of the winter semester, the school changed the housing guidelines and I moved into a private room in the guy’s dorm.  I made some pretty good friends there and began to feel a little bit better about being here at BYUI.  The next semester I moved into off-campus housing.  I was pretty scared because I would have to share a room and didn’t know anybody that I was going to be living with.  The first one of my roommates that I met was named Josh (name changed).  The next roommate that I met was named Bob (name also changed).  Josh and Bob were supposed to be rooming together but there were no rooms with 2 open beds, so Josh moved in with me and Bob moved into the room opposite of us.  Josh and Bob would play pivotal roles in my development during the next few months.

Fall semester came and went and I still felt out of the loop.  I had imagined that my roommates and I would become great friends and that we would be there to support each other.  It was almost the exact opposite.  During our first semester Bob and I hardly talked.  We only talked while we were getting ready to go to bed.  Bob spent most of his time with two of our other roommates Eric and Ryan.  Josh and Bob would also go out once a week to play Dungeons & Dragons together.  Our other roommate spent most of his time outside the apartment with his friends and I was left alone.  Since I’m not naturally the most outgoing person in the world this was a little hard to handle.

Things started to improve at the beginning of our second semester together.  Ryan had to move out of our apartment and so Bob decided to move into his room.  This initially made me unhappy because I felt like he and I had just begun to be friends and now he was moving into the room with his “best friend.”  I felt that at least if we were living in the same room together then he and I would have an incentive to continue our friendship.  I brought this concern up to him and he promised to come back to talk to me from time to time.  To my surprise, he actually did this.  It wasn’t until later when I realized why Bob decided to move into the other room and why I got stuck with the new guy.  It turns out that the new guy (Paolo) and Eric already knew each other and didn’t really get along.  Actually, Eric really didn’t get along with anybody besides Bob and Ryan.  Through 2 entire semesters he only said about 100 words to me and only called me by name once.  When he did that I almost fainted due to surprise.  But I digress…Both Eric and Paolo had strong personalities and they would not have survived living in the same room together.  The atmosphere in the apartment was tense enough anyway; if they had been in the same room, it would have been even tenser.

Paolo and I got along for the most part but there were some minor irritations between us.  Ok, maybe some weren’t so minor, but I’m not writing about him.  This was summer semester of 2009.  Things were pretty tough for me.  I was taking 16 credits and I didn’t do a lot of socializing outside of the apartment so I spent most of my time in my bedroom.  There were other factors that contributed to me having a difficult semester, but I won’t go into those just yet. 

Towards the end of the semester I had a dream.  In the dream Josh, Bob, and I were in a convenience store.  I had gotten a soda (or is it pop? I can never tell these days) out of one of the coolers and had gone to pay for it.  When I got back to where Bob and Josh were sitting I realized that Josh had been eating a bunch of dried fruit and would soon be having digestive troubles because of it.  I started to laugh at him but then told him that it was too bad that he was graduating soon because I wanted to be there to make fun of him for it.  As soon as I said that I woke up and started crying.  I knew that Josh would be leaving soon and that there was a chance that I would never be able to see him again.  I knew that he was such an awesome person and that I felt that if I didn’t get to know him I would miss the opportunity forever.  I also knew that Heavenly Father didn’t want this to happen.  To rectify this I decided to invite him out for dinner.

I took Josh out to the local Thai restaurant.  We had a pleasant enough conversation, but that was where our friendship ended.  We didn’t talk much more than we normally did.  I did have the daily habit of going into Josh’s room everyday when I got home from school to say hi to him.  He was one of the most dependable people that I knew.  If I ever had a bad day all I had to do was go into his room and talk to him for five minutes and I knew that everything would be ok.  If Josh was there, then everything would be ok.  He was also one of the kindest, purest, and nicest people that I had ever met.  I told him that once.  It was on a Sunday in Church.  I noticed that he had chosen to not partake of the Sacrament.  I went up to him and politely asked him if I could ask him a personal question.  He said that I could.  I mentioned that I had noticed that he hadn’t partaken of the Sacrament and that in my opinion there were a lot of people in the Church who don’t partake of the Sacrament because they’re being too hard on themselves.  I told him that if he felt like he should not be partaking of the sacrament that half of the people in the room that day, including myself, should not have partaken of the sacrament as well because he was one of the nicest and purest people that I had ever met. I also encouraged him to talk to the bishop if there was a real reason for him to not be partaking of the sacrament and he told me that there was and thanked me for my concern.

In spite of our graduation dinner Josh and I didn’t talk much until the last night of the semester, the evening before graduation.  I had not gotten any sleep for the past few days that week because I had procrastinated working on assignments for a class that was a joke.  So I found myself with a lot of work to do.  When it came time for me to go to bed on that last day of the semester I was tired and irritable.  Paolo and I hadn’t been getting along that well either and he had his side of the bed room all torn apart because he was going to try to move out the following day.  I imagined myself going to bed, being woken up by Paolo as he tried to clear stuff off of his bed to go to sleep, and killing him.  Josh’s roommate had already moved out of his room so I texted him to see if he wouldn’t mind if I occupied the spare bed.  I even offered to play World of Warcraft with him, which he agreed to do. 

He came home that evening and had some other stuff to do on the game so by the time he and I started playing together it was pretty late.  So we decided to scrap the game and go to bed, but we didn’t go to sleep right away.  We started talking.  I was curious about how he felt about graduating so I asked him.  He said that he felt unstable at times but he was feeling ok now.  I asked him what he meant by unstable.  He said that he had been having feelings of taking his life from time to time but he wasn’t going to do it.  That didn’t surprise me because I had had those feelings from time to time too.  I asked him if his unstable feeling had anything to do with the reason that he hadn’t been partaking of the sacrament.  He said, “Kinda.”  I then said that I knew that there were only a few reasons why a bishop would tell someone to not partake of the Sacrament and the first one that I could think of was drugs and alcohol.  I said, “You’re not a junkie, are you?”  He said, “Nope, and I’ve never killed anyone either (chuckle).”  I said, “Well, there’s only one more reason why a bishop would tell someone to not partake of the Sacrament.  Does it have to do with sex and sexuality?”  He said, “Kinda…”   “Does it have to do with pornography and masturbation?”  “Kinda…”  At this time it was hard for me to control my emotions.  I knew that I had to pick my words carefully both so that he didn’t get scared and clam up and also so that I wouldn’t start bawling and not be able to finish the conversation.  “Is it same gender attraction?”  “Yup.”  The only thing that I could get out next were, “Me too…doesn’t it suck?”

That started what was up to that point one of the best, most fulfilling, and most rewarding conversations of my entire life.  I felt years of loneliness and despair wash away.  For once I was talking to someone who had the same problem as me.  For once I was talking to someone who could understand what I was going through because he was experiencing it himself.  During that conversation we both felt was it was like to connect with someone else on a spiritual level.  We both felt the pure love that can only come from a loving Father in Heaven.  We both grew to realize that being attracted to men was not a sin.  The sin was in what we chose to do with that attraction.  We both made a decision that we needed to do whatever we could to recover from our affliction and do whatever we could to help each other along the way.  For me, at least, it signified a new beginning…a new life.

Things haven’t been easy since then.  Josh and I had to go through a period of time where we did not communicate with each other.  We had to do so because we were getting too emotionally attached to each other.  Every day brings new challenges and new experiences.  I have been more willing to be open to people about my trials and struggles.  I have found that being willing to be open to people about what I am going through more often than not takes good relationships and makes them better.  I have found that it also helps other people to trust me so that they are more willing to come and talk to me when they need help.  I have also begun to be more accepting of myself and of others.  I have more friends now than I ever had in my entire life.  I feel more love and acceptance from both my Father in Heaven and the people around me.  I have learned more about myself than I ever thought possible.

Because of these experiences I also have a new sense of direction.  I have never been able to give anybody a concrete answer when they asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up.  I had never picked out a job and said, “Man, I really want to do that.”  Now I know exactly what I want to do.  I want to be a counselor.  I want to counsel youth and young adults who struggle with the same things that I have struggled with in my life, pornography, masturbation, and same gender attraction.    

I am also not bitter about being at BYU—Idaho, at least not anymore.  I now know why I was sent here…which is the main topic of this posting after all.  Sorry that it took me so long to get to it.  Thank you for your patience.  I was sent here to begin working on my SSA.  I was sent here to be able to help others in their quest to work on it as well.  I was also sent here to be a visible example to people inside and outside of the Church.  I was sent here to show that it is possible to have same gender attraction, not give into it and still be a happy, productive member of society and the Church.  I was sent here to show that people who have SSA are not perverts, nor are they your typical “flamers” but that most of them are normal people who live normal lives, lives of quiet desperation.  I was sent here to that I could begin to show people who have SSA that they need not be ashamed of the attractions that they feel. I realize that I have an uphill challenge ahead of me but, “Is anything too hard for the lord (Gen 18:14)?”  I realize that this is going to require a lot of strength and faith on my part but I know that I am not alone.  I know that I have a loving Father in Heaven who will do anything that he can to help me.  I know that I also have a Big Brother named Jesus Christ who not only came to this earth to atone for my sins (which are many) but that he also came to this earth to help me overcome my challenges and trials.  I know that I have many friends who support me and love me for who I am, regardless of who I happen to be attracted to.  I hope that I will have the faith to stay the course but I know that “with God all things are possible (Matt 19: 26).”